Waiting. There is a time where you are not sure if what you have done is right. To me, the knowledge that you could have done nothing, and nobody would judge you, is not freeing. Living with knowledge that I could have done something, but did not is much worse. I had to chose.
Once you make a decision to move forward, your friends and family may dissent. They may say that your judgment is clouded, and doing nothing is the better option. I try to mute those voices, even though I know they all mean well. I weighted every possible outcome, none were truly ideal. All would cause pain.
Am I selfish by not letting go? I am not ready to let go.
The fear of making the wrong choice is paralyzing. I know what pain is, the same exact pain I am inflicting on you, the same pain I dreaded for years.
I cannot help you without inflicting pain. I cannot be sure I will help you by inflating the pain either. My heart and mind hurt every second thinking about my decision.
There are choices in life without good solutions. This is one of them. I fought very hard for this to happen. I had to go against the judgment of many and advocate. I never felt comfortable in that position, but I had to take a stand.
All I can hope for is for you to get better. My stomach is churning inside at the though of this going wrong.
Stay strong my friend. I will be always waiting for you.
_________
For Bradley.
Marta Grońska-Pęski 